Life’s Calling

I close my eyes and take a deep breath to fill myself with life. My inner most being alive, I am able to hear a feeble tune that prompts me to walk towards it. A tune that somehow resonates to the “me”.  Not long have I  moved towards the tune, I am already distracted. The distraction amplifies and  I can’t hear the tune anymore.

Life moves at the speed of light and somehow we all tend to end up following the popular beat which might not resonate to our inner most being.  If earnest to seek, one can still find the lost tune. Make an attempt, seek,  and when found slowly start humming and moving to this distinct tune. The experience of resonance is magical.

This is my rhythm of life and I wish to sustain it!

Cause & Effect

Sometime back as me and my husband conversed, I asked him – just imagine we are recruited in the army and I am your comrade. We are fighting a war and moving forward with a bunch of other soldiers. I am shot and I get seriously wounded, what would you do? He thought for a while and said, if I was the one wounded, I would ask you to move forward because the cause for which we are fighting is bigger than my life. But he didn’t answer to what I had asked him :).

I was thinking about it lately – “cause”. We are so eager attaching ourselves to a bigger cause. It’s a way of getting away from the feel of “worthlessness” in human existence. We are not ready to accept that we are just one more species on earth, part of the food chain and like the rest have a life span to live and then die. Our lives are supposed to have more worth, and in search of this worth we are very likely to get stuck with a “cause”.

I have worn the tinted “cause” glass and life has a better shade. Everything else becomes insignificant and the “cause” is what matters to me most. Great accomplishments in this world are an effect of people’s passionate commitments towards a cause they took to heart. If I can sell a cause to someone, believe me I can  ask for anything in return. People have used this tool for the right and many times for the wrong reasons. People have killed themselves and others without remorse for a “cause”.

Think about the intensity of buyer’s remorse if the person at a point of time finds that the “cause” wasn’t right, it was just a tinted glass. Now he is trapped in what he was for so long running away from – “worthlessness”.

My trail of bread crumbs

My life is my journey of self discovery. These notes are my way of staying in touch with me. I am left in a jungle of perceptions and perceptual errors, these notes are my bread crumbs that I leave behind as trails to make sure I don’t lose myself. The cottage built of cookies and cakes lures the Hansels and Gretels of the world including me. Hope the birds don’t eat up my bread crumbs, and then I am LOST.

Metamorphosis

I am the caterpillar who keeps on feeding. I am always hungry for more – more of everything. Insatiable are my material desires and self- obsession. What I feed on also depends on what’s available and valued around me – the cultural baggage, the networks that I associate my net worth with.

The goal of nature is not to fill this place with millions of over grown, bloated caterpillars. Each caterpillar has a unique butterfly within, waiting to emerge and take flight. To transform into a butterfly, I definitely need to be a caterpillar first keep feeding my instincts – but there needs to be a pupa phase in my life of looking inwards for self realization and henceforth come out with my wide open wings.

The quality of the human society is determined by the eco system it provides to propagate this metamorphosis in each individual. The world is much more beautiful with butterflies spreading their wings, flocking from flower to flower, spreading love. I wouldn’t want to visualize a world full of over grown, bloated caterpillars found creeping everywhere fighting over the left over leaves on the  bare plants.

Sleeping Conscience

I look into your eyes and I can see your conscience sleeping. You have lulled your baby to sleep and whenever she has tried to be awake, you just rocked her to sleep again. You are panicked by the thought of the attention she demands while she is awake.  You are not comfortable taking her to your workplace or any other place where you think you belong. But isn’t she your baby, a part of you. Try waking her up, see her awake –smiling, crying, babbling and playing. There is wonder, there is honesty and there is you – that is what I want to see in your eyes the next time.

The Journey

As I travel more in the journey of life, I see twists and turns, broad & narrow lanes, crowded and lonely paths – eventually leading to a destination that is not much different. What then really matters is not the destination but the journey. Once I am at my destination, I should look back and say – This was my journey of a lifetime and I loved every bit of it. It’s impossible to explore all the paths in a lifetime, life is meant to be a matter of making choices. Every choice brings with it experiences that becomes a part of me. Then the journey is me. The choices I make, the turns I take, the souls I meet all make the “me”. Freedom is the ability to make the “me” the way I want – good or bad or whatever in between.  What if I am denied the freedom? What if I say it is all fate which is to say it is all out of my control, everything was pre defined – that takes out the personal responsibility in me. May be that again is a choice that we make – choosing the path of free ride or fate ride- where I wait for what “fate” has to offer.

The Highs & Lows

 Happiness is not a permanent state of mind. We always get satiated with what was once the source of happiness. Someone said happiness is contentment. In true words contentment isn’t a complete state of happiness. Contentment is happiness in a miniature form like happiness in a bottle. Like filling up a little bit of the sea water and keeping it on the table reminding me of the great ocean, I once experienced. Contentment would mean I am no longer in the quest for more happiness.   Sorrow too is not a steady state either. We get over any intensity of pain. After a certain point, the source of sorrow does not seem to impact us anymore. That is our human survival tactics, we are hard wired that way.   Let me not try to make happiness my permanent state, either it is frustrating or it is a facade. We are made to ride the high and the low waves. The highs triggering the lows and the lows pushing itself to the new highs waiting to be explored.

Growth in my words

From a delicate little sapling, grow up, spread out and withstand like the deep rooted tree. Be the abode to the multitude of birds, who flock in as the the sun sets and the darkness creeps in. Bear the fruits that nurtures the lives around. Let the seeds of goodness fall, spread and sprout for the children of tomorrow.  Be the shelter, the shade and the breath of fresh air.

It takes a lot of inner strength for the sapling to grow into this tree of life.

Thought – O – Sphere

My sensory experiences evaporate to form my thoughts. The thought vapor condenses into my actions; my actions drench the world around me leading to more experiences that would eventually evaporate to form thoughts.

While I am in my thought-o-sphere, I first see it without my physical eyes, zoom it for the intricate details, feel the touch, listen to the feeble sound, and taste the unique mix of flavors.  Aaah! I am in my thought-o-sphere. The colors, the flavors, the shapes, sounds – all float around  in my thought-o-sphere. The real world around me is a subset of my thought-o-sphere.   My life can be as rich as my thought-o-sphere or as bland as my thoughtlessness.